The Parenting Mistake Every Expert Makes

The Parenting Mistake Every Expert Makes

I caught myself doing the thing I’ve spent fifteen years teaching parents not to do. My daughter was melting down over homework—something about fractions and feelings colliding in spectacular fashion—and there I was, Dr. Know-It-All, launching into a calm, rational explanation about growth mindset and perseverance. You know what she said? “Mom, you’re not even listening.” And she was right.

Here’s the uncomfortable truth: even those of us who study family dynamics for a living fall into the same trap. We get so focused on doing parenting right that we forget to simply be present with our kids. It’s the parenting mistake every expert makes—and honestly, the one every caring parent makes too. We optimize when we should connect. We teach when we should witness. We solve when we should simply sit.

Why Even the “Experts” Get This Wrong

The irony isn’t lost on me. We read the books, listen to the podcasts, maybe even write the articles about emotional attunement and secure attachment. Yet when our child is struggling, our expert brain kicks into overdrive. We want to fix it, frame it, give it context. After all, we know about emotional regulation! We understand developmental stages! Surely we can think our way to better parenting, right?

Wrong. And here’s why this matters more than ever: According to the American Psychological Association, nearly 70% of parents report feeling emotionally exhausted by the end of most weeks. That exhaustion isn’t just from the logistics of modern parenting—it’s from the weight of believing we need to be perfect, that our knowledge should translate into flawless execution, that expertise equals immunity from struggle.

The real issue? We’ve confused competence with connection. In family systems theory, there’s this beautiful concept that the relationship is the intervention. Not your clever strategy. Not your well-timed wisdom. The quality of your presence—that’s what heals, teaches, and transforms. But when you’re busy being an expert (or trying to parent like one), presence is the first thing to go.

The Way Back to Real Connection

So how do we stop expert-ing all over our kids and start actually showing up? Here are five tools that have saved me—and countless families I’ve worked with—from the tyranny of trying to parent perfectly.

1. The Pause Protocol

Before you launch into teaching mode, problem-solving mode, or “let me explain your feelings to you” mode, pause for three full breaths. I know—it sounds almost insultingly simple. But this tiny gap between their distress and your response is where wisdom lives. It gives you time to shift from “fix it” mode to “feel it” mode. Your child doesn’t need your expertise in that moment; they need your humanity.

2. Feelings First, Lessons Later

Try this phrase on for size: “That sounds really hard.” That’s it. No buts. No silver linings. No “but at least…” or “have you tried…” Just witness their struggle without rushing to resolve it. The research from Emotion-Focused Therapy consistently shows that validation must come before problem-solving, or the problem-solving won’t stick anyway. Once your child feels truly heard (which might take longer than you think), then they’re open to your wisdom.

3. The Curiosity Question

Instead of telling your child what they should do or how they should feel, ask: “What do you need right now?” Sometimes they’ll say “I don’t know”—and that’s okay. Sometimes they’ll say something you can’t give them, like “a pet unicorn” (true story from my house). But often, they’ll surprise you with insight into their own inner world. This question says: I trust you to know yourself. And that trust? That’s the foundation of secure attachment.

4. Permission to Be Human

Here’s where experts really struggle: admitting when we don’t have the answer. “I’m not sure what to do here, but I’m with you while we figure it out.” This isn’t weakness—it’s modeling the kind of authentic relationship your kids will build their whole lives upon. It also takes the pressure off you to perform parenting and puts you both on the same team.

5. The Connection Reset

When you catch yourself lecturing, fixing, or over-explaining (and you will—we all do), you can simply stop mid-sentence and say: “Wait, I’m doing that thing where I talk too much. Can we start over?” Your kids will likely look at you like you’ve grown a second head the first time. But they’ll also learn that relationships can repair, that adults make mistakes too, and that connection matters more than being right.

You’re Already Enough

The beautiful paradox of parenting is this: the moment you stop trying to be the expert is often the moment you become most effective. Your kids don’t need you to have all the answers—they need you to be willing to sit in the questions with them. You’ve already taken the hardest step by caring enough to reflect on your approach. This week, pick just one of these tools and try it. Not perfectly. Not every time. Just once, with curiosity and self-compassion. You might be surprised how even small moments of real presence can shift everything—not because you knew what to do, but because you were brave enough to simply be with your child exactly as they are.