The Praise That’s Secretly Destroying Your Child’s Confidence

The Praise That’s Secretly Destroying Your Child’s Confidence

Last Tuesday, I watched a dad at the playground tell his daughter she was “so smart” after she climbed the ladder to the slide. She beamed, ran to the monkey bars — then froze. She looked at them, looked at her dad, and walked away. When he encouraged her to try, she said something that broke my heart: “But what if I’m not smart at those?”

She was five years old, and already, she’d learned that being “smart” was something fragile — something you either are or aren’t. And the praise meant to build her up had accidentally taught her to avoid anything that might prove otherwise.

If you’ve ever told your child they’re brilliant, talented, or a natural at something, you’re not doing anything wrong — you’re doing what every loving parent does. But here’s the thing: some types of praise, the kind we grew up hearing and think of as positive, can quietly teach our kids to fear failure, avoid challenges, and tie their worth to outcomes instead of effort. Let’s talk about why this happens — and how we can do better.

Why “Good Job!” Isn’t Always Good Enough

It sounds strange, doesn’t it? How could telling your child they’re smart or talented possibly backfire? The answer lies in what psychologists call fixed vs. growth mindset — a concept researched extensively by Dr. Carol Dweck at Stanford University.

When we praise kids for traits they can’t control — like being smart, gifted, or naturally good at something — we accidentally send the message that their worth is tied to being a certain way, not growing in certain ways. According to research published by the American Psychological Association, children who receive ability-based praise are more likely to avoid challenges, give up quickly when things get hard, and experience anxiety around performance. In one study, kids praised for intelligence were 40% less likely to choose a challenging task compared to those praised for effort.

You’re not imagining it — the stakes feel higher for our kids than they did for us. In a world of curated Instagram lives and academic pressure starting in preschool, children are already measuring themselves constantly. And when we praise the outcome instead of the process, we accidentally feed that pressure instead of relieving it.

But here’s the hopeful truth: we can change this — not by praising less, but by praising differently.

How to Praise in a Way That Builds Real Confidence

The goal isn’t to stop celebrating your child. It’s to celebrate them in a way that makes them feel capable, brave, and resilient — not just “good” when they succeed. Here are five tools rooted in decades of research on child development and self-esteem:

1. Praise the Process, Not the Person

Instead of saying “You’re so smart,” try “I love how you kept trying different strategies until you figured it out.” This helps kids see effort and persistence as the real superpower — not some fixed trait they were born with or without.

2. Notice Specific Actions

Swap vague praise like “Good job!” for specific observations: “You used really bright colors in that corner — it makes the whole drawing pop.” This teaches kids to notice and value their own choices, not just wait for external approval.

3. Celebrate Courage Over Outcomes

When your child tries something hard — whether they succeed or not — name the bravery: “You’ve never done a cartwheel before, and you went for it anyway. That took guts.” This builds what psychologists call mastery motivation — the inner drive to take on challenges.

4. Ask Questions Instead of Judging

Sometimes the best response isn’t praise at all. Try, “What was your favorite part of making that?” or “How did you figure out how to do that?” This invites reflection and helps kids become their own biggest fans.

5. Normalize Struggle

When things don’t go well, resist the urge to fix it or sugarcoat it. Instead, say something like, “That was really hard, and you didn’t give up. That’s exactly how people get better at things.” Research shows that kids who hear this kind of language develop stronger resilience and emotional regulation.

You’re Already Doing Better Than You Think

Here’s what I want you to know: you don’t have to be perfect at this. Your child doesn’t need flawless praise — they need a parent who’s trying, learning, and showing them that growth matters more than getting it right every time. You’ve already taken the hardest step by caring enough to rethink how you show love. Pick one small phrase to try this week — just one. You’ll be amazed how even small shifts in the way we speak can help our kids stand a little taller, try a little braver, and believe a little deeper in who they’re becoming.