Why Your Relationship Needs More ‘Fights’

Why Your Relationship Needs More ‘Fights’ (Yes, Really)

A couple looking sheepish. “We never fight,” Sarah said, glancing at her husband Tom. “Everyone says that’s great, but… something feels off.” Tom nodded. “It’s like we’re roommates who really like each other. We’re polite. We coordinate schedules. But I can’t remember the last time we talked about anything that mattered.”

Here’s what surprised them: I smiled and said, “Good. You’re ready to save your marriage by learning how to fight.”

If you’ve been taught that “healthy couples don’t argue,” I’m about to flip that script. The truth? Your relationship doesn’t need fewer fights — it needs better ones. The kind where you’re brave enough to be honest, vulnerable enough to be heard, and skilled enough to come out closer than before. Let me show you why conflict isn’t the enemy of intimacy — it’s actually the shortcut.

The Dangerous Myth of the “Conflict-Free” Relationship

We’ve been sold a fairytale: that true love means never having to disagree. That if you’re “meant to be,” everything flows easily. That anger or frustration means something’s broken.

But here’s what the research actually tells us: According to the Gottman Institute, which has studied thousands of couples over four decades, 69% of relationship conflicts are perpetual — meaning they never fully go away. The couples who thrive aren’t the ones who avoid these conflicts; they’re the ones who learn to navigate them with respect, humor, and genuine curiosity.

When you avoid conflict entirely, you’re not keeping the peace — you’re keeping secrets. You’re teaching your partner that parts of you are too dangerous to share. You’re building a relationship on the safest version of yourself, not the real one. And over time, that distance becomes a canyon.

Think about it: If you never disagree, one of you is lying. Or both of you are performing. Either way, intimacy dies in silence long before it dies in shouting.

What “Good Fights” Actually Look Like

Before you panic and start picking battles over whose turn it is to unload the dishwasher (though, let’s be honest, that’s a legitimate grievance), let’s clarify something crucial: I’m not talking about destructive fighting. I’m talking about productive conflict — the kind that builds trust instead of demolishing it.

Here’s the difference: Bad fights are about winning. Good fights are about understanding. Bad fights leave you feeling alone. Good fights leave you feeling known.

Dr. Sue Johnson, creator of Emotionally Focused Therapy, explains it beautifully: beneath every argument about dishes or money or in-laws is a deeper question: “Are you there for me? Do I matter to you? Can I count on you?” When we learn to fight well, we’re actually answering those questions with a resounding yes.

Five Tools for Fighting Toward Connection

Ready to transform conflict from something you avoid into something that actually strengthens your bond? Here are the tools that changed everything for Sarah and Tom — and countless other couples I’ve worked with.

1. Start with the Soft Startup

The first three minutes of a conflict predict how it will end. Instead of coming in hot (“You never listen to me!”), try what the Gottmans call a “soft startup.” Begin with your own feelings and specific needs: “I felt hurt yesterday when I was telling you about my day and you were on your phone. I need to feel like what I’m saying matters to you.”

Notice how that invites connection instead of defense? You’re not attacking your partner’s character — you’re sharing your vulnerable truth.

2. Get Curious, Not Furious

When your partner says something that triggers you, pause. Take a breath. Then ask: “Help me understand what you mean by that” or “What’s really going on for you right now?” This tiny shift — from assuming to asking — can transform everything. Maybe when your partner snapped about the dishes, they were actually drowning in work stress and feeling unsupported. You’ll never know if you don’t ask.

3. Name the Hidden Fear

Most fights aren’t really about the surface issue. Try this magic phrase: “I think what I’m really afraid of is…” Maybe you’re afraid of being taken for granted. Or of losing your independence. Or of not being enough. When you name the fear underneath the frustration, you give your partner access to your heart — and that’s where real intimacy lives.

4. Practice the Repair Attempt

Even the best fighters mess up. What matters is how quickly you repair. A repair attempt is any gesture — a touch, a joke, an apology, a softened tone — that says “We’re okay. We’re still a team.” It might sound like: “Okay, we’re getting off track. Can we start over?” or “I’m sorry, that came out wrong” or even just “I love you, even when we’re both being ridiculous.”

5. End with Appreciation

After the conflict, acknowledge what your partner did well. “Thank you for staying in this conversation even when it got hard” or “I appreciate that you really heard me.” This doesn’t mean ignoring ongoing issues — it means recognizing the effort. It reminds both of you why you’re fighting for the relationship, not against each other.

The Beautiful Truth About Conflict

Here’s what I told Sarah and Tom, and what I want you to know: every time you fight well, you’re sending your partner a powerful message. You’re saying, “I’m willing to risk discomfort because this relationship matters. You’re worth the hard conversation. I trust us enough to be honest.”

That’s not conflict — that’s courage. That’s not fighting — that’s fighting for each other.

So yes, your relationship needs more fights. Not the kind that tear you down, but the kind that build you up. The kind where you show up fully, speak your truth gently, and listen like your partner’s heart is the most important thing in the world. Because it is.

You’ve already taken the hardest step — caring enough to learn. This week, pick just one tool from this list. Have one brave, honest conversation. Let yourself be a little messy and a lot more real. You might be amazed how much closer you can feel on the other side of a good fight.